Professors Pretend Like Their Students did “Great”

Finals week is wrapping up at Biola University and the majority of the students have already taken their most important tests.

“Generally, I feel pretty good about myself,” freshman Sted D. Moore told a Bells news correspondent. “My professors have already put in my grades, and I got As in most of my classes.”

However, most professors have opted for leniency in place of honesty. Student performance has been reported to be lower than ever.

“I really didn’t have the heart to tell all of my students that none of them passed the class,” said physics teacher Raul Lin. “I think it’s more important that they feel good about themselves as they head home for Christmas break.”

Failure was common across all departments of study.

“What the heck are my students making?” said art professor Payne Brush on Tuesday. “One sculpture was only two inches tall and was made entirely out of silverware stolen from the Caf. That’s pretty low.”

Brush said he would give all of his students an A because “it’s been a hard year”, but inside he wishes that “they would all grow up and stop demonstrating the artistic sensibilities of a two-year-old.

Professors of Biola’s growing film program also reported general failures.

“One of my students handed in a flipbook for their editing project,” said Professor Dean Salzer-Schmidt. “I mean, I could figure it out but the project terms called for a five-minute short film.”

“At least they showed effort,” he continued. “It shows that they are not entirely worthless idiots.”

Even the prestigious Bible courses were greeted with almost complete failure.

“One student stated that Zephaniah was one of the four gospels,” said eight-year faculty member Heidi Care. “That’s alarming, but you know what? At this point in the semester that’s close enough. Full credit.”

Biola University faculty is considering using the motto “As Long as You Tried” for the official academic theme next year.