Report: 97% of Crushes go to the Church You Have Been Meaning to Try Out

A recent study indicates that approximately 97% of the individuals you have suddenly become attracted to also frequently attend that one church you have heard so many good things about.

“It’s so true,” said freshman Taylor Yolkem studying Christian Ministry at Biola University, “like, this one girl is super hot, and like, my friend just told me she goes to Antioch! I feel like a lot of things in my life right now have been leading me there, and I’ve wanted to check it out for a while.”

Yolkem listed among Antioch’s many attractions its “spirit-filled community”, the chance to “do life with super intentional people” and finally, the fact that he heard “that one hot girl from Theo I totally goes there too.”

In almost all cases of romantic attraction, there seems to be a direct link to a long-standing interest in going to the object of your newfound affection’s place of worship. Scientists are confounded as to the cause of the correlation but are examining the study tirelessly to find some missed connective psychological motivation.

The researchers who conducted the study also found that at around the time you start to think you might have a crush on any given person, you are also 89% more likely to have been experiencing recent discontent with the church you are currently attending.