Biola Hired a Single Man With a 20 Foot Metal Rod to Divert the Lightning From Torrey Conference

On Wednesday September 14, Torrey Conference officials sent out an email confirming students' worst fears. Torrey Conference will once again be held on Metzger Lawn.

This of course comes as a shock to the hundreds of survivors of last year's Torrey Conference, when lightning nearly struck Metzger Lawn.

After the email was sent out, dozens of students cried out, asking what Biola would do to protect them from a similar incident. In response to the outcry of the students, Biola's administration hired a new lightning safety expert.

"Meet Reed Stevens," read a Biola Instagram post, "He is our newest staff member. He and his metal rod have been assigned with the task of protecting students from lightening strikes at Torrey Conference."

"I'm a simple man with simple desires," Stevens told the Bells in an exclusive interview, "I like protecting people from lightning with my trusty metal rod."

When asked how he plans to divert the lightning from the conference Stevens replied, "I intend to hold my 20 foot metal pole up in the air on the other side of campus. This should cause the lightning to strike the pole rather than students who attend the conference."

Said Dr. Barry Corey on Thursday's Chapel, "It is important that Biola students remain safe while they attend our conferences. After the lightning incident last year, it is Biola's administration's duty to make sure that the lightning does not come near our conference. I put my full trust in Reed and his metal pole to protect us from the storm."

Brianna Reagan, president of the Students Against Torrey on the Lawn, has declined to comment on the recent announcement.